I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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