I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
