Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he thought i was a dude.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
