I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
