You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
