I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
So squirting runs in the family.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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