My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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