some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Randomize
