you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
