I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
