my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
he thought i was a dude.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
