Your mouth is God's brothel.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Randomize
