Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
