were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
why do cheetos always look like penises
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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