I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
