we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
