i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
