I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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