Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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