My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
