id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
