One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
