i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Randomize
