Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
