I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
