Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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