Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
