how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
