Where is the hickey?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
