If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
