Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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