We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
