Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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