Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
