I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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