I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
