Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
