dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
