i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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