Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My vagina is officially offended.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
