This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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