I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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