I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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