Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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