Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
