Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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