did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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