After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
