hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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