he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
