My Higher Power is John Stamos
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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