I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
