You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
