Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
