i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The uberlube is also flammable
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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