hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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