38 yer olds are good kisserssss
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
