so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
