Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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