he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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