Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
it was like eating out sand paper
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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